American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention
Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However,
everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men,
women and transgendered persons.
The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention is a bi-partisan group of
professionals, dedicated to the diffusion of knowledge concerning velociraptor
attack prevention.
Know the Enemy
The velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be
distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned
snout. It has a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and
troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around
its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a
fatal blow.
Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire
amusement parks, but are commonly being sighted in the Pacific Northwest.
Essential facts you should know about velociraptors:
Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around
its prey.
Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s2, with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10
m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor laboratories.
Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door
in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
Velociraptors do not know fear.
New Home Buyer Tips
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing
potential velociraptor attacks:
Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows
should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the average raptor.
Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased
at your local Home Depot.
Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door.
Remember, you should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron.